I wish I was home…

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I'm usually driving to California right now, at this time of year. It's killing me knowing that I won't be able to see my parents or my sister. Having those two weeks of just immersing myself with their presence usually refuels my soul. I hate that I can't be around my sister, laughing with her, talking with her about everything and just happy to be in her presence. She's such a force of positivity and light. It's like staring at the sun. You can't look away. She's so beautiful and thoughtful and it's killing me not to be with her this year. She's Camden's Godmother and I hate that he can't see her or spend more time with her to really know her because he would be so blessed. I hate living this far away from her. It kills me. I hate not being able to celebrate kids' birthdays and holidays together. I can't afford to live there though. Living in Oklahoma has me in a constant state of depression because I struggle daily to get out of bed. It sucks. 

Today is the day…

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Eight years ago, I suffered from uterine cancer. They did a complete hysterectomy and removed my ovaries as well. The chance for more children was gone. At the time, I was just wanting the cancer out, I didn't think about long term wants or needs, I was just in the moment. I had two kids at the time; I  knew I wanted another, but was just so thankful for the two that I had, and the focus was on getting the cancer out.

Fast forward 6 years, and I'm yearning for a child. The idea of having another one and me not being able to have one hits me hard. Why didn't I keep some eggs for future use? I was with a man and I wanted to start a family with him. My kids were growing up and I just wanted one more. Just one. I knew it wasn't possible though. I had no eggs, no uterus. Carrying a child just wasn't possible. I didn't have the money for a surrogate mom, or an egg donor. I didn't have the money for an agency for an adoption. So I lived my life. And the desire of my heart wasn't possible.

November of 2014, I was at work like every other day. A young lady comes in to the office, and she's pregnant and looking for work. I see she's pregnant, and I make the remark (in a joking way), "when you finish giving birth to that baby, will you carry one for me?" I was completely joking. She looked me dead in the eye, and responded, "I'm actually placing this one for adoption." I was floored. I was excited. Something told me that I needed to find out more about this situation. My intuition was screaming at me to find out more, that she was carrying my baby. I've never met this girl before. I didn't even know her name! But I knew that she was special. That there was a reason that she ran into me on that day, at that time. God was answering my prayers. I honestly couldn't believe this situation was being presented to me.

I continued talking to her, asking her questions. What was the process? What made her decide to do this? What kind of parent was she looking for? What did I need to do in order to be considered to adopt this little guy? She told me to contact my lawyer. We exchanged phone numbers, and she left. I had this feeling that this was meant to be. That this was what was meant to be, and I think I fell in love with that baby just a little bit…

I talked to my long time boyfriend, and he just wasn't on board. He didn't want anything to do with the situation. He wanted a baby of his own "flesh and blood". He didn't want to adopt. But we talked about this. And he was wanting to do the surrogate thing, but now he wasn't ok with it. I didn't know what to say, or do. I wanted this baby. I felt in my heart that this was something that we needed to do, that I needed to do. Needless, to say, I found out later that week, that my boyfriend had been cheating on me for months, with several different women. That's when I knew that I didn't need a man to do this. I could do this on my own.

I waited a week to call the birthmother. I knew that she had other options, other families that were interested in adopting this baby boy, and to be honest, I didn't think I stood a chance. These other people were married, they were couples, husbands and wives and I was just me. A single mom. I didn't stand a chance. I wasn't nearly as qualified as these other people, but I still couldn't give this up. I couldn't let the chance pass me by. So I called her. I got to know her. She told me she had two other couples who were interested. One was local and the other were far away. I told her I was still interested. That I would like to be considered, and she said she would. So, we started the process. The whole getting to know each other. I've read that it's a lot like dating, getting to know your birthparent, and I have to agree. We spent time together, got to know each other.

After about a month, the birthmother sat me down and let me know that she was about to make a decision. One of the other families had backed out and it was between myself and another couple. I kept praying that I would be chosen, but I refused to believe that I had a chance. If anything, I could have just started a new friendship with this girl, and helped her emotionally for the choices that she made. But she told me that she chose me. That she felt that I was the one she wanted to raise her baby. I cried. I didn't know what to say. I just squealed and cried and kept asking, "really? Seriously?" She cried with me, and kept laughing because I couldn't shut up. I felt so blessed. I couldn't believe that this was actually happening to me.

I talked to my kids, who are 13 and 14. I told them that we were going to have another baby. That she chose me to be this baby's mom. They were ecstatic, so excited that they were going to have a little sibling. We didn't know where to start. We need“““““““ed everything because we had nothing for this little guy. So, we started looking, getting little things here and there.

Tomorrow's the big day. Our little guy will be brought into this world via an induction. The birthmother will be admitted tonight, and they will be starting pitocin at 6 a.m. My new son will be here in less than 24 hours (hopefully). And it's just now setting in. This is my blessing.This is what has kept me going. Past the heartache of losing who I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, past the loss of my womanhood.This little guy is completing my family, and he's going to be here tomorrow. It's just now setting in. The excitement, that joy, the fear, all of it is just now coming to the surface. And I can't wait to bring my little guy home, to be a part of my kids' and my life. Finally, my family will be complete.