I’m usually driving to California right now, at this time of year. It’s killing me knowing that I won’t be able to see my parents or my sister. Having those two weeks of just immersing myself with their presence usually refuels my soul. I hate that I can’t be around my sister, laughing with her, talking with her about everything and just happy to be in her presence. She’s such a force of positivity and light. It’s like staring at the sun. You can’t look away. She’s so beautiful and thoughtful and it’s killing me not to be with her this year. She’s Camden’s Godmother and I hate that he can’t see her or spend more time with her to really know her because he would be so blessed. I hate living this far away from her. It kills me. I hate not being able to celebrate kids’ birthdays and holidays together. I can’t afford to live there though. Living in Oklahoma has me in a constant state of depression because I struggle daily to get out of bed. It sucks.
So, it’s definitely been a little while since I’ve last updated. Well, quite a while actually. I’ve been so busy relearning how to be a mom to a little one and that is no small feat. The changes have been drastic going from two teens that are pretty self-sufficient to a little bitty boy who depends on you completely. I couldn’t love it more. Watching him grow has been mesmerizing.
He’s changed so much in the last year that it blows my mind. He went from this little snuggly baby, to an independent toddler so fast; it amazes me. I’ve never really realized how fast kids grow until now. I feel like it was just yesterday that I brought him home, and now he’s almost 2! I knew with my teenagers, that time flew by, but it seems like it’s gone even faster than before. Maybe it’s because I’m older and hanging on to all of the small moments. I remember always waiting for my big kids to hurry and grow up when they were little, but now I just want them all to be little again. I miss the tininess of them. Being able to snuggle up with them when they’re sleepy. I can’t even do that with Camden now because he’s already at that age that he pushes me away when I dote on him too long. He’s all about hugs and kisses on his terms now lol.
He’s learned to crawl, walk, eat and drink by himself. He wants cups without lids, even though he always spills it all over or plays with what’s inside. He’s got a mouth full of teeth and jabbers to me like we’re having an actual conversation. He’s even got quite a bit of words down. How did this little guy grow so fast? I watch him sleep and he’s no longer the tiny little terror that he is when he’s awake, but this innocent little dude who smiles in his dreams. It’s delicious to watch.
We haven’t had too much contact with his birth mom since she left when he was 4 months old. We’ve only had one visit with her since then. Every couple months, she does check in to see how he’s doing, but she doesn’t ask for pictures or to video chat. Maybe that helps her to cope. I don’t know. But I feel awful because Camden doesn’t know her. I know one day he’s going to have questions, and I will always answer them honestly. He’ll choose ultimately if he wants to seek his biological parents out. I will always leave that up to him. I just hope that between now and then, maybe she’ll become a little closer to him.
We’ve moved a few months after my last update. I couldn’t afford to keep my house that we were in, so we’ve moved into an apartment. It’s been a huge adjustment. We’ve been here a little over a year and I still haven’t put any pictures up or tried decorating. I always felt that this move would be so much more temporary because I didn’t plan to still be here. I think I’ve just hung my first decorative picture about my TV just a few days ago because the bare walls were suffocating. I’ve enjoyed getting to stay home with Camden and watch him grow. I was never able to do that with my older ones because I had a job to go to. Now, I can’t find one anywhere and it’s been sadly detrimental to my children and myself. But we always manage to survive. It’s going to be a tight Christmas, and we won’t get to go home to California like we always do at this time of year. I hate that it’s worked out this way, but as long as I’m with my kids, we’ll manage to make it work.
I’m going to start to potty train Camden soon. I’ve forgotten how to be honest, but I do know that I want to use reusable potty training pants. I can’t really afford to buy pull-ups and I question myself every time I have to buy diapers, why I didn’t cloth diaper. It would have been so much more cost effective, and considering our current financial situation, it would’ve been what’s best. I’m not able to see the future though, and I know there was no way to know that things would have turned out as they have for me financially. I just try to keep my chin up and pray that God delivers, as he has been. I think I’ll start potty training right after he turns two. I’m still looking into the potty training pants that would be cost effective as well as not leak, or cause more messes that already come along with potty training. Another mom online told me “lil learners by KangaCare.com” were good. I just have to make sure that I order the right size. I’m sure with him being 32 lbs, he’ll probably be a medium to large, but unfortunately, they won’t have the side snaps to ease clean up with accidents. So if you guys know of any that would be well suited for him, please let me know. I’d be so grateful! For 2 pairs of training pants, the cost will run me $29.99 plus shipping and tax, so hopefully they work well. That’s a lot of money for this momma right now! And I have to buy at least 6-8 pairs for this kiddo!
So thanks, to all of you that read this. It feels good knowing that there is someone out there that actually gets to know my feelings and thoughts. I don’t have many friends here where I am, so it’s not like I have a lot of people to turn to. Thanks for all of your support and know that I’m wishing you and yours a spectacular holiday season! Merry Christmas to all of you and I really hope all of your family and friends can rally around you with love this year!
All my love,
Karen & kids