Two years!

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I can’t believe that tomorrow will be two years since Camden has come into the world. Since I watched his little face, all scrunched up, being delivered. It seems like the time has flown. He’s grown so much and so fast; it blows me away. I’m just doing a quick update. The kids need dinner. I do have further news though. I have recently been notified of some new siblings from my biological father’s side. So there is more to come for sure. Not like anyone reads this. I was honestly thinking of treating it more as a journal, because let’s be honest. I don’t have readers lol.

Anyway, my baby’s progression, from birth to two years old, has gone way too fast and I wish I could just slow time. Go back to the days that he was a newborn and didn’t tell me “no” or “let it go”, or his favorite, “leave me wone!”. Ah, the life of toddlerhood. Terrible two’s indeed.

Another year, another birthday…

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I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday. I wouldn’t say celebrated exactly though. I just stayed inside the house because it was freezing outside and since my car was TOTALED on Wednesday, thanks to heavy winds and a tree collapsing onto it, I didn’t have any way to get anywhere. Do I feel any different then I did at 36? No. Not at all. Does any one ever feel any different when they get older? I’ve noticed new wrinkles lining my eyes that my smile doesn’t look as genuine as it did 10 years ago. 

I am thankful for the one thing my teenager did to help me though. He came home from school and picked up the horrendous mess his baby brother made with toys and snacks and whatever else he could get his hands on. So for that, I am honestly thankful. This behavior from my 16 year old NEVER occurs. Ever. He must have seen the stress in my eyes from having to deal with the insurance company all day and having had to chase his brother. 

Camden was on his worst behavior with fits galore and attention grabbing situations that he uses to get attention. Like trying to climb the bookcase. Or climbing on tables to get to the windows. Or unlocking the front door to run down the porch like a little escapee. God, I love the terrible twos. Best time of my life right here. 

So hello 37. Here’s to another year of mommyhood. To raising two teenagers and one toddler alone. Surely by now, I’ve got this. Happy Birthday to me. 

*Note to readers, I am a very sarcastic person. While nothing is embellished, I’m sure you can figure out the sarcasm.*

I wish I was home…

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I’m usually driving to California right now, at this time of year. It’s killing me knowing that I won’t be able to see my parents or my sister. Having those two weeks of just immersing myself with their presence usually refuels my soul. I hate that I can’t be around my sister, laughing with her, talking with her about everything and just happy to be in her presence. She’s such a force of positivity and light. It’s like staring at the sun. You can’t look away. She’s so beautiful and thoughtful and it’s killing me not to be with her this year. She’s Camden’s Godmother and I hate that he can’t see her or spend more time with her to really know her because he would be so blessed. I hate living this far away from her. It kills me. I hate not being able to celebrate kids’ birthdays and holidays together. I can’t afford to live there though. Living in Oklahoma has me in a constant state of depression because I struggle daily to get out of bed. It sucks. 

Update that’s so long overdue!

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He’s a big boy now!

So, it’s definitely been a little while since I’ve last updated. Well, quite a while actually. I’ve been so busy relearning how to be a mom to a little one and that is no small feat. The changes have been drastic going from two teens that are pretty self-sufficient to a little bitty boy who depends on you completely. I couldn’t love it more. Watching him grow has been mesmerizing.

He’s changed so much in the last year that it blows my mind. He went from this little snuggly baby, to an independent toddler so fast; it amazes me. I’ve never really realized how fast kids grow until now. I feel like it was just yesterday that I brought him home, and now he’s almost 2! I knew with my teenagers, that time flew by, but it seems like it’s gone even faster than before. Maybe it’s because I’m older and hanging on to all of the small moments. I remember always waiting for my big kids to hurry and grow up when they were little, but now I just want them all to be little again. I miss the tininess of them. Being able to snuggle up with them when they’re sleepy. I can’t even do that with Camden now because he’s already at that age that he pushes me away when I dote on him too long. He’s all about hugs and kisses on his terms now lol.

He’s learned to crawl, walk, eat and drink by himself. He wants cups without lids, even though he always spills it all over or plays with what’s inside. He’s got a mouth full of teeth and jabbers to me like we’re having an actual conversation. He’s even got quite a bit of words down. How did this little guy grow so fast? I watch him sleep and he’s no longer the tiny little terror that he is when he’s awake, but this innocent little dude who smiles in his dreams. It’s delicious to watch.

We haven’t had too much contact with his birth mom since she left when he was 4 months old. We’ve only had one visit with her since then. Every couple months, she does check in to see how he’s doing, but she doesn’t ask for pictures or to video chat. Maybe that helps her to cope. I don’t know. But I feel awful because Camden doesn’t know her. I know one day he’s going to have questions, and I will always answer them honestly. He’ll choose ultimately if he wants to seek his biological parents out. I will always leave that up to him. I just hope that between now and then, maybe she’ll become a little closer to him.

We’ve moved a few months after my last update. I couldn’t afford to keep my house that we were in, so we’ve moved into an apartment. It’s been a huge adjustment. We’ve been here a little over a year and I still haven’t put any pictures up or tried decorating. I always felt that this move would be so much more temporary because I didn’t plan to still be here. I think I’ve just hung my first decorative picture about my TV just a few days ago because the bare walls were suffocating. I’ve enjoyed getting to stay home with Camden and watch him grow. I was never able to do that with my older ones because I had a job to go to. Now, I can’t find one anywhere and it’s been sadly detrimental to my children and myself. But we always manage to survive. It’s going to be a tight Christmas, and we won’t get to go home to California like we always do at this time of year. I hate that it’s worked out this way, but as long as I’m with my kids, we’ll manage to make it work.

I’m going to start to potty train Camden soon. I’ve forgotten how to be honest, but I do know that I want to use reusable potty training pants. I can’t really afford to buy pull-ups and I question myself every time I have to buy diapers, why I didn’t cloth diaper. It would have been so much more cost effective, and considering our current financial situation, it would’ve been what’s best. I’m not able to see the future though, and I know there was no way to know that things would have turned out as they have for me financially. I just try to keep my chin up and pray that God delivers, as he has been. I think I’ll start potty training right after he turns two. I’m still looking into the potty training pants that would be cost effective as well as not leak, or cause more messes that already come along with potty training. Another mom online told me “lil learners by KangaCare.com” were good. I just have to make sure that I order the right size. I’m sure with him being 32 lbs, he’ll probably be a medium to large, but unfortunately, they won’t have the side snaps to ease clean up with accidents. So if you guys know of any that would be well suited for him, please let me know. I’d be so grateful! For 2 pairs of training pants, the cost will run me $29.99 plus shipping and tax, so hopefully they work well. That’s a lot of money for this momma right now! And I have to buy at least 6-8 pairs for this kiddo!

So thanks, to all of you that read this. It feels good knowing that there is someone out there that actually gets to know my feelings and thoughts. I don’t have many friends here where I am, so it’s not like I have a lot of people to turn to. Thanks for all of your support and know that I’m wishing you and yours a spectacular holiday season! Merry Christmas to all of you and I really hope all of your family and friends can rally around you with love this year!

All my love,

Karen & kids

The joys of my life…

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The past 5 weeks have been surreal. I have watched someone come into this world, and I’ve never been privy to that beauty. There’s something that every person should experience. The joy of birth. I didn’t get to see my two teenagers being born because I had to have a c-section with both. But watching my littlest, make his way into this world via his birth mom was the most captivating moment I’ve ever seen.

I cried like a two year old. I don’t know what came over me. I’ve never cried that way in my adult life, or my childhood, that I’m aware of. It was deep and guttural, excited and anticipated. It was like I couldn’t breathe, but at the same time a new life was being breathed into me. This beautiful little being was brought into this world. When I saw him, I really did fall in love with him. He was spectacular and awe inspiring. I’m sure I’m being completely bias, because he’s mine. I didn’t create him, I didn’t birth him, but he had my heart from the moment he made his appearance.

It was also uncomfortable, because I didn’t know if I should’ve been feeling this way. I wanted to be more reserved because I didn’t exactly know how the birth parents were feeling and I didn’t want to take anything away from them. I mean, come on! This other woman just gave birth to this beautiful little boy, and she had to do ALL the work! I didn’t want to seem to callous or like he was just mine and only mine, but I was so drawn to him. I couldn’t stop staring. This little dude had me enraptured and I couldn’t shake it off. The birth parents were looking at me funny when I was completely ugly crying, because it was probably a scary thing, and it made me feel self conscious. I didn’t know how to react! I didn’t know what was ok. But at the same time, I couldn’t control one ounce of myself. It’s like some other person took hold of my body and robbed me of my senses, and all I could see was him. This amazing little boy who was perfect, and beautiful, and chubby, and even more beautiful.

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I asked myself, how am I this lucky? How did I get so blessed with this little boy? How was God able to grant me my prayers after 8 years. I’ve felt guilty, for being blessed with him and also having two children of my own, knowing that there are couples out there that just want one. I’ve felt joy, then another wave of guilt because I read other bloggers who have been longing for children, and did I get too much? Have I taken away from someone else? But I can’t help who I love and I don’t just love this little boy. I ADORE him. It’s like he’s one of my own, because he is my own. He may not be of my blood, or of my body, but this little boy sure has my heart, and he shares it with his older brother and sister. Blessed, I am beyond blessed. I will never ask for another miracle again, because God has provided me with 3.

My 3 miracles.

My 3 miracles.

So, with all my heart, I want to say, that my life is multiplied with love and trust and I have such a grateful heart. Because I now have my three. And that’s all I could’ve ever wanted.

Our first hug.

Our first hug.

Today is the day…

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Eight years ago, I suffered from uterine cancer. They did a complete hysterectomy and removed my ovaries as well. The chance for more children was gone. At the time, I was just wanting the cancer out, I didn’t think about long term wants or needs, I was just in the moment. I had two kids at the time; I  knew I wanted another, but was just so thankful for the two that I had, and the focus was on getting the cancer out.

Fast forward 6 years, and I’m yearning for a child. The idea of having another one and me not being able to have one hits me hard. Why didn’t I keep some eggs for future use? I was with a man and I wanted to start a family with him. My kids were growing up and I just wanted one more. Just one. I knew it wasn’t possible though. I had no eggs, no uterus. Carrying a child just wasn’t possible. I didn’t have the money for a surrogate mom, or an egg donor. I didn’t have the money for an agency for an adoption. So I lived my life. And the desire of my heart wasn’t possible.

November of 2014, I was at work like every other day. A young lady comes in to the office, and she’s pregnant and looking for work. I see she’s pregnant, and I make the remark (in a joking way), “when you finish giving birth to that baby, will you carry one for me?” I was completely joking. She looked me dead in the eye, and responded, “I’m actually placing this one for adoption.” I was floored. I was excited. Something told me that I needed to find out more about this situation. My intuition was screaming at me to find out more, that she was carrying my baby. I’ve never met this girl before. I didn’t even know her name! But I knew that she was special. That there was a reason that she ran into me on that day, at that time. God was answering my prayers. I honestly couldn’t believe this situation was being presented to me.

I continued talking to her, asking her questions. What was the process? What made her decide to do this? What kind of parent was she looking for? What did I need to do in order to be considered to adopt this little guy? She told me to contact my lawyer. We exchanged phone numbers, and she left. I had this feeling that this was meant to be. That this was what was meant to be, and I think I fell in love with that baby just a little bit…

I talked to my long time boyfriend, and he just wasn’t on board. He didn’t want anything to do with the situation. He wanted a baby of his own “flesh and blood”. He didn’t want to adopt. But we talked about this. And he was wanting to do the surrogate thing, but now he wasn’t ok with it. I didn’t know what to say, or do. I wanted this baby. I felt in my heart that this was something that we needed to do, that I needed to do. Needless, to say, I found out later that week, that my boyfriend had been cheating on me for months, with several different women. That’s when I knew that I didn’t need a man to do this. I could do this on my own.

I waited a week to call the birthmother. I knew that she had other options, other families that were interested in adopting this baby boy, and to be honest, I didn’t think I stood a chance. These other people were married, they were couples, husbands and wives and I was just me. A single mom. I didn’t stand a chance. I wasn’t nearly as qualified as these other people, but I still couldn’t give this up. I couldn’t let the chance pass me by. So I called her. I got to know her. She told me she had two other couples who were interested. One was local and the other were far away. I told her I was still interested. That I would like to be considered, and she said she would. So, we started the process. The whole getting to know each other. I’ve read that it’s a lot like dating, getting to know your birthparent, and I have to agree. We spent time together, got to know each other.

After about a month, the birthmother sat me down and let me know that she was about to make a decision. One of the other families had backed out and it was between myself and another couple. I kept praying that I would be chosen, but I refused to believe that I had a chance. If anything, I could have just started a new friendship with this girl, and helped her emotionally for the choices that she made. But she told me that she chose me. That she felt that I was the one she wanted to raise her baby. I cried. I didn’t know what to say. I just squealed and cried and kept asking, “really? Seriously?” She cried with me, and kept laughing because I couldn’t shut up. I felt so blessed. I couldn’t believe that this was actually happening to me.

I talked to my kids, who are 13 and 14. I told them that we were going to have another baby. That she chose me to be this baby’s mom. They were ecstatic, so excited that they were going to have a little sibling. We didn’t know where to start. We need“““““““ed everything because we had nothing for this little guy. So, we started looking, getting little things here and there.

Tomorrow’s the big day. Our little guy will be brought into this world via an induction. The birthmother will be admitted tonight, and they will be starting pitocin at 6 a.m. My new son will be here in less than 24 hours (hopefully). And it’s just now setting in. This is my blessing.This is what has kept me going. Past the heartache of losing who I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with, past the loss of my womanhood.This little guy is completing my family, and he’s going to be here tomorrow. It’s just now setting in. The excitement, that joy, the fear, all of it is just now coming to the surface. And I can’t wait to bring my little guy home, to be a part of my kids’ and my life. Finally, my family will be complete.