The joys of my life…

First touch...
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The past 5 weeks have been surreal. I have watched someone come into this world, and I’ve never been privy to that beauty. There’s something that every person should experience. The joy of birth. I didn’t get to see my two teenagers being born because I had to have a c-section with both. But watching my littlest, make his way into this world via his birth mom was the most captivating moment I’ve ever seen.

I cried like a two year old. I don’t know what came over me. I’ve never cried that way in my adult life, or my childhood, that I’m aware of. It was deep and guttural, excited and anticipated. It was like I couldn’t breathe, but at the same time a new life was being breathed into me. This beautiful little being was brought into this world. When I saw him, I really did fall in love with him. He was spectacular and awe inspiring. I’m sure I’m being completely bias, because he’s mine. I didn’t create him, I didn’t birth him, but he had my heart from the moment he made his appearance.

It was also uncomfortable, because I didn’t know if I should’ve been feeling this way. I wanted to be more reserved because I didn’t exactly know how the birth parents were feeling and I didn’t want to take anything away from them. I mean, come on! This other woman just gave birth to this beautiful little boy, and she had to do ALL the work! I didn’t want to seem to callous or like he was just mine and only mine, but I was so drawn to him. I couldn’t stop staring. This little dude had me enraptured and I couldn’t shake it off. The birth parents were looking at me funny when I was completely ugly crying, because it was probably a scary thing, and it made me feel self conscious. I didn’t know how to react! I didn’t know what was ok. But at the same time, I couldn’t control one ounce of myself. It’s like some other person took hold of my body and robbed me of my senses, and all I could see was him. This amazing little boy who was perfect, and beautiful, and chubby, and even more beautiful.

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I asked myself, how am I this lucky? How did I get so blessed with this little boy? How was God able to grant me my prayers after 8 years. I’ve felt guilty, for being blessed with him and also having two children of my own, knowing that there are couples out there that just want one. I’ve felt joy, then another wave of guilt because I read other bloggers who have been longing for children, and did I get too much? Have I taken away from someone else? But I can’t help who I love and I don’t just love this little boy. I ADORE him. It’s like he’s one of my own, because he is my own. He may not be of my blood, or of my body, but this little boy sure has my heart, and he shares it with his older brother and sister. Blessed, I am beyond blessed. I will never ask for another miracle again, because God has provided me with 3.

My 3 miracles.

My 3 miracles.

So, with all my heart, I want to say, that my life is multiplied with love and trust and I have such a grateful heart. Because I now have my three. And that’s all I could’ve ever wanted.

Our first hug.

Our first hug.

Today is the day…

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Eight years ago, I suffered from uterine cancer. They did a complete hysterectomy and removed my ovaries as well. The chance for more children was gone. At the time, I was just wanting the cancer out, I didn’t think about long term wants or needs, I was just in the moment. I had two kids at the time; I  knew I wanted another, but was just so thankful for the two that I had, and the focus was on getting the cancer out.

Fast forward 6 years, and I’m yearning for a child. The idea of having another one and me not being able to have one hits me hard. Why didn’t I keep some eggs for future use? I was with a man and I wanted to start a family with him. My kids were growing up and I just wanted one more. Just one. I knew it wasn’t possible though. I had no eggs, no uterus. Carrying a child just wasn’t possible. I didn’t have the money for a surrogate mom, or an egg donor. I didn’t have the money for an agency for an adoption. So I lived my life. And the desire of my heart wasn’t possible.

November of 2014, I was at work like every other day. A young lady comes in to the office, and she’s pregnant and looking for work. I see she’s pregnant, and I make the remark (in a joking way), “when you finish giving birth to that baby, will you carry one for me?” I was completely joking. She looked me dead in the eye, and responded, “I’m actually placing this one for adoption.” I was floored. I was excited. Something told me that I needed to find out more about this situation. My intuition was screaming at me to find out more, that she was carrying my baby. I’ve never met this girl before. I didn’t even know her name! But I knew that she was special. That there was a reason that she ran into me on that day, at that time. God was answering my prayers. I honestly couldn’t believe this situation was being presented to me.

I continued talking to her, asking her questions. What was the process? What made her decide to do this? What kind of parent was she looking for? What did I need to do in order to be considered to adopt this little guy? She told me to contact my lawyer. We exchanged phone numbers, and she left. I had this feeling that this was meant to be. That this was what was meant to be, and I think I fell in love with that baby just a little bit…

I talked to my long time boyfriend, and he just wasn’t on bored. He didn’t want anything to do with the situation. He wanted a baby of his own “flesh and blood”. He didn’t want to adopt. But we talked about this. And he was wanting to do the surrogate thing, but now he wasn’t ok with it. I didn’t know what to say, or do. I wanted this baby. I felt in my heart that this was something that we needed to do, that I needed to do. Needless, to say, I found out later that week, that my boyfriend had been cheating on me for months, with several different women. That’s when I knew that I didn’t need a man to do this. I could do this on my own.

I waited a week to call the birthmother. I knew that she had other options, other families that were interested in adopting this baby boy, and to be honest, I didn’t think I stood a chance. These other people were married, they were couples, husbands and wives and I was just me. A single mom. I didn’t stand a chance. I wasn’t nearly as qualified as these other people, but I still couldn’t give this up. I couldn’t let the chance pass me by. So I called her. I got to know her. She told me she had two other couples who were interested. One was local and the other were far away. I told her I was still interested. That I would like to be considered, and she said she would. So, we started the process. The whole getting to know each other. I’ve read that it’s a lot like dating, getting to know your birthparent, and I have to agree. We spent time together, got to know each other.

After about a month, the birthmother sat me down and let me know that she was about to make a decision. One of the other families had backed out and it was between myself and another couple. I kept praying that I would be chosen, but I refused to believe that I had a chance. If anything, I could have just started a new friendship with this girl, and helped her emotionally for the choices that she made. But she told me that she chose me. That she felt that I was the one she wanted to raise her baby. I cried. I didn’t know what to say. I just squealed and cried and kept asking, “really? Seriously?” She cried with me, and kept laughing because I couldn’t shut up. I felt so blessed. I couldn’t believe that this was actually happening to me.

I talked to my kids, who are 13 and 14. I told them that we were going to have another baby. That she chose me to be this baby’s mom. They were ecstatic, so excited that they were going to have a little sibling. We didn’t know where to start. We needed everything because we had nothing for this little guy. So, we started looking, getting little things here and there.

Tomorrow’s the big day. Our little guy will be brought into this world via an induction. The birthmother will be admitted tonight, and they will be starting pitocin at 6 a.m. My new son will be here in less than 24 hours (hopefully). And it’s just now setting in. This is my blessing.This is what has kept me going. Past the heartache of losing who I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with, past the loss of my womanhood.This little guy is completing my family, and he’s going to be here tomorrow. It’s just now setting in. The excitement, that joy, the fear, all of it is just now coming to the surface. And I can’t wait to bring my little guy home, to be a part of my kids’ and my life. Finally, my family will be complete.

Broken Hearts…

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In August, I found out that my long time boyfriend of two and a half years was cheating on me. Devastation doesn’t begin to describe what I’ve felt. I’ve been up and down and still feel hurt and angry. I don’t know how to not hurt anymore. I don’t know how to make this go away. So tell me please. Anyone. I have so much to be thankful for, I really do. But why do I still feel so broken hearted? I hate Valentine’s Day, especially this year. And the man I love more then anything is spending that day with someone else. How do I go forward from here? I’ve got so much coming up, but I miss my man. I really, really miss him, and he’s not my man anymore. He’s hers. Fuck!

New blog post to come!!

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I’ve been the worst blogger ever. I have so much happening these past few months that I’ve let everything that has to do with my creative side, go. So I’m going to catch you up. I promise. My blog may be changing. There’s so much that I think it may become more of a journal. A public one at that. My etsy store had to be closed because no one was buying anything and that took a major toll on my heart. I really was hoping that it would do well. I’m also due to be adopting a baby boy soon and can’t wait to get into the details of how that all came to be. So please, bear with me and thank you for your patience. We are all rock stars, but sometimes, we forget to let ourselves rock. Well, I’m going to be rocking again soon. So look out for me!

I have great news!!!

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Half dome Swarovski covered earrings on sterling silver posts. Can be made any color of choice!

So on the side, I’ve been doing some beautiful things with Swarovski crystals. So, I’ve decided to start my own business making jewelry, laptop/cell phone covers, compacts, anything can be covered in Swarovski!! I’ve decided that my business will be called Crystal Frosting. I still have to get a business license and figure out how to get my business off of the ground, but any ideas from my followers would be much appreciated!! Here are a couple of pictures of my recent creations!

 

Feel free at anytime to contact me with any questions or orders. Just leave a comment and I will get back to you asap. While Swarovski works are expensive, the quality is well worth it.

Almost complete! Laptop case covered in Swarovski crystals!! Made to order! Any designs you wish, or with your name or initials!

Almost complete! Laptop case covered in Swarovski crystals!! Made to order! Any designs you wish, or with your name or initials!

 

Custom made mirror compact. Choose any colors, even with your name or initials!

Custom made mirror compact. Choose any colors, even with your name or initials!

Mirror covered in Swarovski crystals. Made to order.

Mirror covered in Swarovski crystals. Made to order.

 

Agh!

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So I just finished reading this book and I’m still emotionally affected by it. Usually, I go straight from one book to the next and not think about it. But there are always a few that just stick with me. The one I just finished is definitely one I won’t forget.

The story is called If He Had Been With Me by Laura Nowlin.

This book starts out about a young girl going through high school while dealing with most of the young drama that’s experienced. But she used to be best friends with one of the most popular guys. They drifted apart in middle school, but rekindled their friendship during a rough patch. Tragedy strikes and when it does, it rips your heart out. I’m still tearing up while writing this. My hearts just breaking.

Anyway, I think it’s definitely something that you should read, like the next on your list of to be reads.